excerpted from The Girl is Mine: Sparing the Rod
These kids nowadays? They call 9-1-1 or Child Protective Services on a parent who tries to spank them. That’s why so many of them end up in jail, on drugs, or can’t keep a job.
I seriously doubt black kids are making such calls en masse. To blame criminal behavior and unemployment on parents not spanking is illogical as well as inaccurate. It also gives a free pass to the systemic injustices and neglect that contribute to what ails us a community.
“But aren’t you afraid she’ll end up in prison?”
Contrary to the ComicView comedian’s riff, “to spank or not to spank” does not fall neatly along color lines . The above is a direct quote from a friend, Sue (not her real name), who is white. Sue’s oldest child is the same age as Taylor. We bonded as first-time moms, and became friends in spite of our different parenting styles, including my decision not to spank Taylor. Sue asked what I thought about “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” which many consider a biblical mandate to spank. I shared Christian attachment parenting guru Dr. William Sears’ observation that the “rod” is akin to a shepherd’s staff, which is used to prod and guide sheep for their protection, not to hit them. But Sue remained skeptical.
When Taylor and Sue’s child were both eighteen months old, Sue said to me, “They’re into everything at this age! Surely you’ve spanked her by now.” I hadn’t, and said so.
“But aren’t you afraid she’ll end up in prison?”
“No…”
“Well, if she doesn’t learn to obey you, then she won’t learn to obey laws…”
“And end up in prison? You know, I bet that a lot of people sitting in prison right now were spanked as kids. I’m not saying that they are in prison because they were spanked, but clearly spanking is not an effective crime deterrent. If Taylor ended up in prison, I would wonder where I went wrong as a parent, but I wouldn’t question my decision not to spank.”
I pointed out to Sue that she wrongly equated lack of spanking in our family with lack of discipline. I don’t spank, but I’m not a permissive parent either. In our family, there are age-appropriate boundaries, rules, consequences, and most importantly, consistency. And yet, I don’t subscribe to any formula for parenting success. No one is guaranteed law-abiding offspring, whether you spank or not.
In settings where my children are the only ones present who have never been spanked, they have behaved as well if not better than the other children. They also have their Moments, as all kids do, spanked or not. So if I’m going to get the same results spanking as not, why spank? Other than self-defense or to protect others, hitting another person just doesn’t feel right to me.
As long as you don’t spank out of anger, it’s fine.
Well, then maybe I am a spanker after all. I’m just not a practicing spanker because the only time I ever get the urge to spank my kids is when I’m angry.
But weren’t you spanked as a child? And didn’t you turn out just fine?
Fine? I turned out fabulous! But so have plenty of people who were never spanked.
